The Significance of Putting Feelings into Words — The Effects of Treatment Vary from Person to Person
Looking back, I am truly glad that I allowed myself to release my emotions just as they were. That moment marked the beginning of my recovery.
I attended weekly appointments for check-ins with my doctor and for counselling. A few months after my first visit, I found that I no longer cried in front of doctors or counsellors. The heavy weight inside my chest began to ease little by little, and I could feel my thoughts gradually starting to take shape.
It may sound overstated, but those days made me keenly aware of how meaningful it is to put one’s feelings into words — an ability unique to human beings.
Needless to say, the nature of one’s struggles and the circumstances one is placed in differ from person to person. For that reason, the effects of visiting a psychiatrist or attending counselling naturally vary from one individual to another.
Fortunately, I was able to experience several clear and tangible benefits.
Laying Down the Emotional Burden — A Sense of Relief
First, simply speaking about my inner struggles to a third party brought a small but tangible sense of relief. It felt as though I was setting down a heavy load, piece by piece. In the early days of my visits, I cried every time, and through that process I felt as if something toxic was slowly draining out of my body.
It struck me as not so different from an experience many people have in everyday life. When we confide in someone close to us — sharing complaints or anxieties — we often feel lighter afterwards. I came to see this as much the same kind of act.
Second, by putting my emotions into words, I gradually began to grasp the outline of my own distress. The core issue — family-related problems I had long avoided facing — slowly started to come into view.
That said, I was not always able to articulate my feelings clearly. More often than not, I struggled to find the right words. Sitting in front of doctors or counsellors, I found myself growing tense and guarded.
In the early stages, unfamiliar with the process and wanting to maintain a sense of composure as an adult, I sometimes spoke more cautiously than I truly felt. At other times, driven by a desperate need to convey my pain, I chose words that overstated my experience.
On the way home from the clinic, replaying the conversations in my mind, I often regretted not having expressed my true feelings more accurately. Yet even this period of trial and error became part of the process through which I gradually gained a fuller understanding of my struggles as a whole.
Third, exposure to the perspectives of doctors and counsellors broadened the way I understood my own experiences. Encountering new ways of seeing things often brought moments in which my mental horizon suddenly opened up.
I believe this is one of the most significant reasons for seeking professional help. Perspectives grounded in academic knowledge and shaped by extensive clinical experience carried a persuasive weight that I could not dismiss.
Throughout my period of rest, I spent a long time continuing to face myself. As a result, I came to feel increasingly certain about the underlying cause of the difficulty I had found in living.
Recognising Family Issues — A Turning Point in My Life
Alongside my regular visits to the clinic, I also made a conscious effort to explore the roots of my own difficulty in living.
I listened to the stories of people who had gone through similar experiences, and I read books on psychology, psychiatry, and philosophy written for a general audience. Perspectives that focused on family-related issues, in particular, resonated deeply with me, as they echoed many aspects of my own life.
I began to revisit memories and emotions from childhood, one by one, carefully examining them and putting them into order within my own mind.
It was a slow and deeply painful process. At times, I found myself unconsciously reshaping memories or interpreting them in ways that felt more convenient. There were many moments when I became confused, unsure of what was truly real. Even so, I knew this was work I had to do.
Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Family — A Past I Did Not Want to Accept
I grew up in what would commonly be described as a dysfunctional family. I remember living with a constant sense of inner unease.
Unwilling to accept that reality, I tried to overwrite the past through effort alone, as though working harder could erase where I had come from. I did not want to be defeated by the circumstances of my birth.
I believe this stance towards life shaped my personality and the way I came to interpret the world. On top of that, a marriage in which I rarely felt at ease, the pressures of work, and my physical condition all accumulated over time.
Looking back now, I understand that what happened at my most recent workplace was the final push that threw my mental and physical balance out of alignment.
This realisation became a major turning point, one that set my life on a healthier path. Once I recognised family issues as the root cause, I began to feel a quiet sense of hope — that, through my own choices and actions, I might finally be able to respond to them.
Deciding to Accept Both Past and Present — Living My Own Life
For a long time, I carried my family’s problems entirely on my own. Every day felt as though my heart were being carved out, yet I kept telling myself that I was fine.
Through regular appointments and a period of rest, I eventually became aware of the very core of my suffering. When that realisation came, I asked myself what I should do next. The answer was surprisingly simple.
I decided to accept everything — both my past and my present.
I chose to accept the environment in which I was born and raised, what is often described as a dysfunctional family, as well as the many difficulties and negative emotions that arose from it, including my sense of inferiority. I made this decision because what has already happened cannot be changed.
This does not mean that I affirm or forgive my upbringing. Rather, I chose to accept an unfortunate past as it is, and then to live my own life anew, guided by my own will.
During my time away from work, I encountered a passage in a book that resonated deeply with my natural temperament. It said something to this effect:
Environment is an influencing factor, but not a determining one.
I began to believe that whether I remained bound to my past or rebuilt my life from scratch was ultimately my choice. This does not mean forgetting my family altogether. As an adult, I want to maintain an appropriate distance, while still being someone who can offer genuine help when it is truly needed.
For that reason, I came to feel that it was first necessary to separate myself, at least for a time, from the environment in which I was raised, and to focus on living my own life fully and deliberately.
Past and Present Families — Relationship with My Partner
As for the difficulties connected to the family I grew up in — what I think of as my past family — I have, to a certain extent, already made peace with them. By contrast, the challenges in my relationship with my partner — my present family — are ongoing and very much part of my life today.
My partner, too, was raised in a distinctive family environment and carries many emotional wounds as a result.
I cannot say with certainty how directly those experiences are connected, but from the time we began living together, our days were marked by a succession of situations that are difficult to put into words. As a consequence, we repeatedly found ourselves caught in intense conflict.
By now, I have spent roughly as many years living with my partner as I once did living with my parents. Each day felt like walking a tightrope — being thrown off balance by my partner’s behaviour, which often overwhelmed me, dealing with unresolved issues in my family home from a distance, and continuing to meet the demands of my work. My nerves were worn down, and I became utterly exhausted.
The Next Chapter — How I Spent My Time Away from Work
In the next chapter, I will look more closely at the thoughts that occupied me during my period of rest. After that, I will turn to my relationship with my partner.
