A Growing Mismatch with Corporate Culture — And Why I Couldn’t Leave
Before taking sick leave, I had begun to feel increasingly out of step with the values of senior leadership. Following organisational restructuring, the company’s culture had also shifted considerably from what it had been when I joined ten years earlier. Because I felt deeply attached to my work, I struggled with how to preserve my own beliefs within a culture that no longer aligned with them.
I was afraid to accept that the company had changed, and tried to prove my own legitimacy by working relentlessly. Admitting that I no longer fitted the company’s culture would inevitably have meant considering a move elsewhere — something I wasn’t ready to face.
Yet I had reasons that made it difficult to leave. My family, burdened with many challenges, depended on me. Caught between a workplace whose values no longer aligned with mine and the circumstances that prevented me from resigning, I felt trapped.
The Weight of Family Problems — A Dysfunctional Home, Debt, Faith, and Distance from My Partner
It was only after I began receiving psychiatric care that I came to understand that the core of my suffering lay in family-related issues.
Many people, I imagine, carry struggles of this kind in one form or another. In my case, the difficulties I lived with included the following.
- Growing up in a dysfunctional family
- Complex feelings towards my late father
- Debt
- A family member living as a Hikikomori — socially withdrawn and rarely leaving the home
- Regrets connected with caregiving and end-of-life decisions
- A desire to protect my mother
- Trauma from unemployment and guilt towards my family
- Complicated circumstances surrounding my in-laws’ religious beliefs
- Differences in values between my partner and me
While working full-time, I tried to shoulder all of these issues alone. Partly because there was realistically no one else to deal with them — but also because I believed it was my responsibility.
I will address each of these issues, one by one, as this series unfolds.
Cognitive Restructuring — A Release from What Held Me Captive
Several years after leaving my job, during a period of deep introspection, an unexpected thought arose from within me:
“Perhaps I no longer need to carry anyone else’s life on my shoulders.”
In that moment, I was finally released from the assumptions and excessive sense of duty that had bound me for so long.
It had taken years to reach this point, but I can now say that I have moved beyond my former self. I chose to face the past and present without looking away, and to accept them as they were. In doing so, I changed the way I understood the root of my suffering — a shift in my cognitive perspective.
My family issues undeniably existed; some remain unresolved even now. But I came to realise that the essence of my suffering lay not in the issues themselves, but in how I interpreted and responded to them.
I no longer need to let my upbringing or the values of others dictate how I live. Through my own choices and actions, I can shape a life filled with hope.
Today, I think about life in the following way:
- I cannot change the past or other people, but I can change my perspective.
- I will accept my past and present, and still live my own life without being bound by them.
- If I find happiness in the future, perhaps my painful memories will look different.
- Even family members are separate individuals. Each of us is free to live our own life.
- If my family ever turns to me for help, I want to be someone who can truly support them — and I will work to build that ability.
- Worries will never disappear, and the future remains unknowable. But if I do what I can, I will accept whatever follows.
I now live each day quietly reaffirming what “a release from captivity” truly means.
To Those Facing Similar Struggles — Why I Am Writing This Blog
As a first step into a new phase of my life, I decided to write this blog. It will unfold as a series in which I record my lived experience. I have several reasons for doing so.
First, I am writing for myself. By documenting the process and methods through which I restructured my cognitive patterns, I hope to draw a line under the life I have lived so far. Putting my thoughts into words also helps me reach a clearer sense of what I truly feel. In the future, I want to look back on this record and see how far I have grown.
Second, I hope that, one day, the family whose difficulties shaped so much of my struggle will come to understand what has been in my heart. When that time arrives, I would like them to read this account.
Third, I believe that sharing my experience openly may be of greater value to society than keeping it to myself. It may offer some support to others who live with similar burdens.
What I Learned from Painful Experiences
I will write candidly about the way I reshaped my thinking, as well as the sense of hope that emerged through the process.
For example, those painful experiences led me to reflect on family, on the nature of work, and on the shortcomings of social safety nets and the prejudices that surround them. I was also sustained time and again by the power of books, art and entertainment.
If you are facing similar suffering, I hope you might pause and read my blog. It may help you begin to make sense of your feelings.
The Next Chapter — The Day I Decided to Take Sick Leave
In the next chapter, I will look back on the immediate events that led me to take sick leave. That day marked a turning point in my life.
